Confessions of A Madman

Have you ever had anxiety? I don’t mean a moment of fear, I mean that death grip on your soul that tightens your chest and crushes your soul.  When anxiety in its dark most primal form attacks it’s like nothing offers comfort, just fear. Sure general anxiety we all have and deal with in our own ways, but that dark form – ah, that’s the one that can hurt like nothing else in this world of make believe we call a reality.   I’ve talked about anxiety in motion before, but rarely have I had those days lately like I had last night where I couldn’t shake it, control it calm it, or do anything to even help it for a few while it was just there waiting… Hand shakes, tight chest – thoughts would not stop breaking walls down.

Maybe I built those walls too tall, to fast and maybe the baggage I kept behind them built up faster than I could reinforce the walls – maybe, maybe, or maybe… who knows… All I know is that I hold in way too much – maybe my biggest flaw – maybe just maybe I should deal with stuff more then bury it hoping it won’t explode to the surface like rocket from hell… and then you find yourself looking through a mirror at everything around – that detachment might well be the definition of a living in hell…

This isn’t some pity party for me… no quite the contrary – it’s a insight into what people like me go through.  For anyone who’s never had to deal with it, this is foreign –  unusual and God to I wish I didn’t get it, as i’d wish this on no one! But for some of us this is an everyday thing – EVERYDAY – can you imagine that? I hope not, but if that is you and your reading this know you are not alone.  There is strength in numbers and their is strength in compassion with understanding.  Today might be hell, but as time flows tomorrow might just be a slice of heaven and you know what? Slices eventually gets you a pie.  Pie is good and even if you don’t get a whole pie everyday a piece is better than nothing, unless it’s got coconut in it – then fuck that pie and go for the chocolate heavenly one!  Just never give up, we all have that moment to share and that moment to inspire others….

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